I want to go on record and say I write this column with
extreme trepidation. Pet care is on my
highest priority list and although everyone doesn’t see a pet as a family
member to love and care for, many of us do.
Thus said, read on at your own discretion.
Recently I was in my front yard at 4am watching my two tiny
dogs select the exact location they needed to do their business, when I spotted
what looked like an official City of Baytown dog catchers truck creeping down
the street. The truck was idling with
the head beams out and as it passed under the street light, I could make out a
large smile on the driver’s face, as he scanned back and forth.
“Oh Lord a’mercy!” I squealed and called my two precious
pups to me. I didn’t have my doggies on
a leash, as they were in my front yard, but I sure as the Dicken’s didn’t want
a fine, so I ran backwards, my Ninja Turtles pajamers a’flappin’ and set them
inside the front door. I hoped in vain
that the driver didn’t see me and my doggies, but alas, he ominously stopped in
front of my house.
Now, like Jim Finley, I have successfully evaded the law
probably one time too many, but when the cab light came on, I could plainly see
the man was signaling me. “Rats! Busted!”
I looked back at my doe-eyed Shi-Tzu and Papillion/Pomeranian mix and it
was if they knew we were in deep doo-doo.
Walking outside, I headed down the drive and came up to the
passenger-side window. The first thing
that hit me was the heavenly smell of bacon and incense. In a trusting voice sounding like Joe Biden,
he said “Hello my friend. Would you like
a treat?”
I was hesitant as the hooded man asked pointing at the huge
box of fried bacon. His accent was so odd;
it took me a second to realize what he said, but that voice…
“Uh, what?” I muttered, as I leaned in and not taking my
eyes off the hidden and shadowy apparition, I took a piece of bacon and
mechanically began to chew.
“Aaa, you wanna give up dos doggies?” He chuckled lightly after speaking and I
found for some odd reason, I immediately trusted the fellow. Helping myself to a second stick of savory
fried pork, I finally said the first thing that came to mind.
“Uh, what do you mean friend?” His infectious grin made me smile, even as I licked
my fingers. I had the desire to sit on
my haunches, but remained upright. I
liked the guy. He was someone I could
trust.
“De dogs. I catch de
dogs. I am the de best of de best of de
best dog catcher. I want dem dogs.” Again the chuckle and danged if I didn’t
chuckle with him. That smile spoke
wonders. I realized it really didn’t
matter what he said, as long as the bacon kept flowing and he kept smiling.
“Who are you and why are you out at this time of morning friend?”
I blurted as I scratched behind my ear.
It was about this time that I heard the snuffing sounds coming from the
back of his truck and looking closely, I could make out wet noses in the caged
area.
His name was as unknown to me as his accent and I forgot it
the second he said it – twice, as the first and last names were the same, but
what he said next made me drop my bacon on the street.
“I am de best dog catcher in de five counties. I catch de most dogs. Tonight, I catch seven, but will have 3 or 2
time dat many before de people wakes up.
I love catching dogs so much, I sometimes lure dem right out de back
yard with dis bacon.” Although I
couldn’t see his eyes for the shadows, the smile was as big as ever.
I was speechless, but the man was so friendly and engaging
that it took a minute to realize the monstrosity of his statement. Whoever said old dogs can’t learn was wrong.
“You work for the City of Baytown?” is all I can think of to say and
the man chuckles again and I smile.
“No, I work for de highest bidder in (his voice is slightly
muffled and I don’t really hear him) and dey buy de dog. I sell maybe a hunerd a week. Is good business.”
“Just in Baytown? You grab a hundred dogs a week in Baytown?” Now I was getting angry, but was still
mesmerized by the man’s voice.
“Oh de heck no. I
drive all over de counties. I jus do Baytown ever two week.” He chuckles and I have heard all I can handle
and grabbing a fist full of bacon, I step away and inform him I am “calling
Johnny law!”
I wasn’t prepared for his response, but threw myself away
from the truck when he lights up the back tires in a most god-awful
rubber-burning exhibition which sets off car alarms on both sides of the
street. The smoking tires and dogs
barking confused me to the point that I didn’t get a license plate or DOT
number from the side of his truck, I’m sad to confess.
The cloying odor of burnt rubber and deep-fried bacon
lingered long after the heinous dog thief was gone, but not the warning he
left. You see, it took all of that to
wake up a sleeping neighborhood, as all of us think we are safe. We are told repeatedly that we are and by
honest looking people with soft voices and big smiles. Keep your pets safe folks. There are bad people out there.
8 comments:
I laughed! I snorted!
I scratched myself, and rolled in something that smelled delightful!
It was a metaphoric heaven of a read!
A delightful tidbit of trendy news, filled with morsels of bacon flavored treats! I will wait by the door with
my tail waggin'! I want more sir!!!
Melody Marshall-Sievers: Pops... you are out of control!
My fave "tail" this far...
Trudy Reding Nuce:
I was telling my neighbor about your article in the Baytown Sun today. As we were talking a dog catcher truck came down my street. It had no sign on it. Could this be the same guy??? Isn't the City dog catcher truck suppose to have a sign on it???
Holy smokes Bert,
Couldn’t you have put an “April fools” on the end of that story? I just got ANOTHER media call on it.
LOL.
Patti Jett, CPC
Public Affairs Coordinator
City of Baytown
Bert, Im getting media inquires about the recent article you authored in the Sun (dog catcher). Im not in the office at the moment but will be looking up the case when I get in so I can respond to Ch 2. Was the incident reported to the pd? Day of occurrence?
Lieutenant Eric Freed
Baytown Police Department
sent from a mobile device
Jane Lee: I thought it was a great column. The newspaper column equivalent of Orson Wells' "War of the Worlds" on radio.
Barbara Rhoden Pugh: Going to rank right up there with the Martians have landed..
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