Sunday, November 12, 2006

Bring back the Commies!

I miss the good old days when a person could hate a Communist and everyone felt like it was good for the country. These days we’re stuck with hating terrorists and it’s just not the same. Man! Bring back the Commies! They were easy to prepare for. All you needed was a bomb shelter, a good supply of K-rations and daily nuclear fall-out drills and you were good to go.

I miss the good old days of escorting a guidance control canister for a Minuteman missile into the vault at Malmstrom AFB, Great Falls Montana. Yes sir! Security Police stood around me with locked and loaded M-16s while I punched in my part of the code. As soon as I finished the Officer of the Day entered his code, then the Policeman and finally the Maintenance officer. We knew we were under the Commie Threat and we took this business serious. It was great and it was satisfying.

The Commies were easy to hate. They were sneaky and had secret agents who worked for the KGB and the Politburo. They were taking over the world and Americans didn't like it. They had the bomb. We had the bomb. We had more bombs. We had dropped the big one more than once and by jiminy, we would do it again. The Commies were bad, real bad. They were going to take over the world and outer space!

General Jack D. Ripper put it best in the excellent Commie-scare movie, Doctor Strangelove and I had his words printed on an extra large coffee cup, just so I can get the old Commie-fear fix working again, it was so satisfying:

"I can no longer sit back and allow communist infiltration, communist indoctrination, communist subversion and the international communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all our precious bodily fluids".

He really brings the feeling home!

The Commies wore uniforms with red stars and they lived on the other side of a border somewhere. Sometimes they wore black pajamas and a straw hat, but you could tell who they were by their AK-47s. They lived where it was either real cold with snow or a steamy jungle. If we wanted to find a Commie, we knew where to look. When I watch footage of Iraq or Afghanistan, I cant figure out who is an insurgent and who isn't and it looks like a no-mans land; all rocks and sand and can someone please explain why folks lived there before oil was discovered?

I want to look in the back of a Mechanics Illustrated magazine and mail order a set of plans to build my own fall-out shelter, like god-fearing, Commie-hating Americans did in the 50s. Gee whiz, with today’s modern conveniences I could go down there, when my wife was mad at me, and just play Solitaire for hours while I waited for the big one. If I got hungry, I'd just toss a Hot Pocket in the microwave and drink a couple of diet root beers. Why, I could wait for weeks if need be.

I'd probably dial up the White House and let them know I was ready, in case they needed to recall me, even though I don't know if they need a 54 year old, Supply Sarge, who is, ahem, slightly rotund. Of course, I would do some push-ups and stuff to get in shape, in between the Twinkies and Oreos. I could maybe get some reloading gear and make me up some special "Commie loads" while I'm in my bunker and I'd share them with our boys, if they need em. I would be doing my part to stop the flow of Commie doctrine, just like the old days and I gotta tell you, it would be a good feeling.

A far better feeling than the one we have today. Our current enemy, radical Islam, has us sitting around waiting for something to happen and for some reason hates America, Israel, Canada, England, Europe, Africa, Asia, Australia, South America and heck-fire, I guess even France.

Yes fellow Americans, I need to find a Commie, so I can feel secure again.

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