Here Is How I See It

I am supposed to be in a state of euphoria, anxiously awaiting the arrival of Apple’s new iPhone. The latest “just to die for” techie gizmo is scheduled to arrive in stores tomorrow, June 29th. Some gadget-salivating people have camped out since last Monday awaiting the arrival of this contraption and at 500-plus dollars, plus service contract, they are either rich, obsessed with compulsive buying, stupid or all three. I’ll pass. Thank you.

This new convenience will allow the “average” user to surf the text and picture-based Internet on the giant 2 inch viewing screen, while listening to their favorite MP3 music library and yakking on the built-in phone while taking pictures and movies with the onboard camera – while driving – in the lane next to you! That’s awesome dude!

I sure hope all these iPhoners have automatic transmissions in their cars. Imagine trying to field those pesky text messages while shifting gears and navigating through traffic on Garth Road or slowing down unexpectedly, so that errant WIFI signal doesn’t fade. Add in the giggly fun of iPhone’s touch screen and it would take a Martian with 4 arms and 6 eyes to drive and operate the thing with any success and safety. The iPhone will make the term multimedia synonymous with this one ($%^&*).

There are two jaw-related news worthy items begging for our attention at this time. Japanese speed-eater Takeru Kobayashi, has developed arthritis in of all places, his jaw! As everyone knows, Tak’s claim to fame is wolfing down over 53 hotdogs and buns in 12 minutes. He has skills! Now all that fame is in jeopardy.

A Michigander woman is suing the makers of Starburst candy for $25000. It all started when she slipped a yellow Starburst between the cheek and the gum and after masticating vigorously (about three chews), she suddenly felt discomfort in her jaw regions. Since this nefarious day in 2005, she’s had trouble opening her mouth. Sounds to me like it was heaven sent.

Up there in the Upper P of Michigan in Marquette County, they are launching a new search for Bigfoot after fresh eye-witness accounts. Matthew Moneymaker of the Bigfoot Field Researchers Organization claims (with all sincerity) Sasquatch is not a myth. Now, my brother Bruce Marshall, Mike Elder and James Shipp all spent quite a bit of time hunting black bear up in Marquette County and they didn’t see a single Yeti. They have however; since eaten a lot of Jack’s Link jerky. Coincidence? I don’t think so.

Paris Hilton is out jail and I’m sure this is newsworthy, because I’m told it is…over and over and over. Someone said she got religion while serving out her hefty sentence. I hope so. It would be sad to go through life with nothing but lots of money to salve your soul.

Rosie O’Donnell won’t be hosting Bob Barkers old haunt and I’m reasonably relieved. I think. I never watched “The Price is Right”, so I’ll take this breaking news announcement on faith. The good news is, oil dropped $2 per barrel when Rosie’s name fell out of the running.

Arch evil film maker Michael Moore has released a new expose’ that we can all agree upon. I haven’t seen it, but I’m willing to bet if Ol’ Michael gets sick, he will have to go to Cuba to get health care.

Iranians are freaking out over there in happy Iranland. The problem is gas rationing. Here’s a country that exports oil like there is no tomorrow and yet they lack refineries, so they can’t make their own gas. They import the stuff. Put two and two together here folks. If a country can not get gas and diesel to fuel their war machine, how in the world can they shake their fists at anyone? Us? We got plenty of fuel – heckfire, we own Iraq don’t we?

Did anyone watch Billy Ray Cyrus on that dancing show? Eeee-gads! Reality shows are getting more bizarre by the season. What’s next – marble-shooting Al Qaeda Imams? How about blind-folded taxi-driving illegal immigrants chewing tobacco-spitting for distance competitors (winner gets a green card)? I’d watch it.