A line in the Dust

Last year about this time, I made the paramount decision to be the first in my family to run for President of the United Snakes. I figured "Hey! Why not"? I immediately began pursuing my campaign in the true American Capitalistic spirit by announcing the creation of one of my ultra-cool and hip fund raising items, which just so happen to be a beautifully illustrated coffee cup with my handsome photo on it and my very Presidential winning attitude slogan of "Because I must!"

They are very Presidential and patriotic looking and sure to get me elected. My platform opener is "If you vote for me and buy a coffee cup, I will vote for your special interests". My plan is to make a lot of money (that I do not have to account for) and truly represent my prostrate minions. I plan to be honest and straightforward. I'm for change. I'm for a lot of change. In fact, I'm drawing the line in the dust with my promises, so there will be no confusion.

"Hey, wait a minute, what's that you said? Not so sure that I heard you right"

One of my original plans was to try and get Oprah Winfrey to run as my Vice-P, but she's went and thrown in with 'those guys" and that pretty much knocked her out as a choice. I wanted Oprah for her ability to influence female voters – especially white female voters, something I recognized as an asset. Hey! I may look goofy at times, but rest assured, I'm as slippery as the next candidate come promise time. I need those women voters!

Being the increasingly unpopular white male Anglo-Saxon Protestant, who believes in all things associated with being, well, let's face it - white male and keeping it that way, I figured to get a ringer, someone who can tip the scales in the direction I need it to go, so I need a prominent non-white male as a running chummy. Danny Glover was a possibility, but he went and got all buddy-buddy with Hugo Chavez and since Hugo got "all medieval" with Exxon, I had to give Danny the boot. Baytown IS Exxon territory after all. I'm for keeping it real.

I need an unspecified individual who can bridge the gap; someone who can push me over the top; someone like Samuel L. Jackson! He's a man to be reckoned with and nobody's sweetheart when it comes to having a strong arm when it's needed. Know what I mean? Did y'all see how he handled that problem on the plane with all the snakes? That's what I'm talking about. He's my military vote getter – him or Chuck Norris.

Did you notice how I said "y'all"? That's right – the Southern vote is already in the poke sack.

Or maybe I could get Carlos Mencia. He's got charisma to spare and has a primetime cable show, so he's a real contender in my book. He has a lot of acting experience and since this Oval Office thingy requires a bit of theatrics, I could take lessons from him. I was thinking about getting Roger Clements for my number two, but boy, he has a temper! We have to stay levelheaded in front of the cameras, so sorry, Roger, I'll have to strike you.

"Hey, wait a minute; oh say that again. You're in the dust drawing a long straight line"

I actually have a full crowd-pleasing platform and I'll develop it further as we get closer to the actual Election Day (November something). One thing I'm big on is securing the borders – that's a given. I'm for taxing the ultra-rich (someone like Bill Gates) and giving the rest of us our money back. I'm for stem and seed research (who isn't?) and I'm for cheaper description drugs and Heath bar care that is paid for by foreign conquests.

I'm for life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness and Capitalism. In my administration, I will encourage jobs and encourage education. Why, I'll just become the "Great Encourager"! Of course, I'll have to bulk up, trim down, speed up, look younger and run faster than my opponent John McCain and those other slackers and that's where my special Coffee Cup sales will come in handy.

Personal trainers and HGH injections are not cheap.

Order your cup today http://www.cafepress.com/ourbay.104073955

Lyrics: Bruce Hornsby