Saturday, July 05, 2008

Can you hear me now?

Want to shed about forty pounds of ugly fat in time for Christmas, quit smoking in one hour, or run a 10K race in say - a month? Well in the near future, you'll simply make a trip to your doctor to begin the process of getting a neural implant. A neural implant - what the heck is that? Will it hurt? What if I don't have a neural?

Brain or neural implants, are technological devices or chips that connect directly to your brain - usually placed on the surface of the brain, or attached to the brain's cortex. Properly programmed this will allow us to lose weight safely and without discomfort. We're talking day surgery, so hey! It's no big deal folks and is the next rage - like steroids, except legal. All aboard!

Say you have a real everyday craving for the bane of all fun loving eaters – sweet glazed Honeybuns, but a little tweaking of the programmable chip and all desire for that sugary delight is gone. I'll ask that my chip have a back-up battery and will top out at 1500 consumed calories per day max. Why not? I've got the flabby glutes to spare and if later on after I look like a professional body builder, I might ask that they shut it off, so I can pig out again. Presto change-o!

I can hear Granny Adcox now: "By the way, Baytown Bert, I hear they are running a special on chips next month – buy three for the price of two and get free tweaks for the next 6 months – no extra charge! Fire up my Rambler"!

Folks might as well get the exercise chip while at the doc's office and the stop smoking/drinking/addiction chip will be free! Insurance will cover 80% of it and after all, it's about time we changed our lifestyle to match our new awesome bionic selves.

Programming will be completely painless and administered wirelessly and have built-in safeguards to keep us from abusing ourselves, not that you and I would. I mean, some of us would go on a 25 calorie a day diet, run 100 miles the first day and give up who knows what if it were left strictly up to us. We'll have to have adult supervision with all this technology – but it will be worth it!

So what if you enjoy that ice cold 24 ounce can of Foster's beer after a hard day laboring over a paperclip at your desk, but have trouble cutting it off after two, or four? Well, there's hope for you too my Aussie beer-swigging friend. Have them adjust your chip so the first one is enough. It's just going to be that danged easy mate.

Worried about Alzheimer's? No misremembering in your future. You don't have to have Roger Clemen's money to get the memory chip and for a small additional fee, the good doctor will upload the Encyclopedia Britannica or if you are not a purist, Wikipedia, pictures and videos free gratis. They may even throw in your old High School annual photos so you can shine at the next reunion.

Hearing not what it used to be, eh? An adjustable range cochlear implant will allow you to hear stuff old Fideaux would envy. A trip to Uruku Salon to remove all those bushy ear hairs afterward and you'll hear like a 12 year old again! Treat yourself to a new "Do" while you're there, because baby, the new you deserves it.

Don't want to shrink in stature as you age, and folks confuse you for Yoda, because of osteoporosis? Well, who does? The vitamin/mineral implant that came as a bonus to your "new eyes" day surgery carefully monitors your blood and bone content to alert your dietary neural implant to have you crave the stuff your body needs, so like the memory chip – forget it! You're covered my friend - stand tall.

The "New Eyes" lens implant with GPS capabilities and night vision ocular elements are a real blessing and since we live in bright and shiny Baytown, Texas the extra money spent for the "multiple shade adjuster" make sunglasses so last century and now you can change eye color to match your outfit. Free shoes with every purchase!

The new Tongue Drive system lets persons with disabilities operate powered wheelchairs, computers, automobiles and lead lives free of last year's problems. The system uses a rice-grain-sized magnet implanted in or attached to the tongue. Movement of the magnet is detected by an array of magnetic field sensors mounted on a headset outside the mouth or on an orthodontic brace inside the mouth. Thank you Georgia Institute of Technology.

Tired of those mood swings associated with road rage, PMS, anxiety, anger and stress? Put down the 9 iron and get the Doc to write a prescription for the Intel-based mood chip. If you think America's Funniest Home Videos is funny now, just wait!

You may have to get the bladder-control chip…

1 comment:

Natalie said...

I'm speechless...maybe I need a tongue implant!! I don't know, we seem to be getting technologically ahead of ourselves. Something along the lines of "don't mess with Mother Nature" comes to mind. Good one, Bert...enjoyable read.

It can only happen while shopping!

As the big man is my witness, every word of this is unquestionable and void of hyperbolic incredibility. With that taken into consid...