Friday, January 02, 2015

Me and J.J. – two of a kind!

Recently my bride laughed at me when I told her I was every bit the macho awesome athlete J.J. Watt is and I half meant it.  You see, it’s not all hyperbole on my part, as the older I get, the better I used to be, both for real and in my memory.

I can prove it too, starting right now.  Like J.J. Watt, when I was a younger man, say, to the age of about 50; I was devilishly handsome.  Now, not so much, but still a contender according to my friends on Facebook and Wikipedia – both plethora’s of hard factoids. 

Like Mr. Watt, I can and/or could lift heavy things.  He weighs 292 pounds and I can still push that much with my feet at the gym with the name sounding like a clock.  He has a 55 inch vertical leap and I also have an impressive leap, especially when goosed. Truth is, I haven’t been goosed lately, but I assure you, its way up there, trust me.

J. J. worked as a pizza delivery boy and once again, I can top that, as I worked INSIDE making pizzas.  I was a pizza making dude and he was the doo-dah pizza delivery boy.  Sometimes I even impress myself with my accomplishments.

The stellar Texan played tight-end at Central Michigan with only eight catches for the year.  Well in 1963, while living in Dundee, Michigan, as a 6th grader,  I won the coveted Fords Punt, Pass, & Kick contest beating every classmate above me and took home the varsity jacket, much to their dismay.  We moved to California and I never played football, but All-Star baseball as a shortstop.

J.J. gave up his scholarship to CMU and I never bothered to get one, so we are pretty much even there also.  The giant defensive player has a younger brother named T.J. and so do I.  His younger brother plays football and mine lives it vicariously.  Even Steven again!  Wait, there’s more.  The similarities are frankly – amazing.

Mr. Watt is extremely charitable and so am I.  I repaired and gave away over 40 computers to the homeless (most of them are divorced men whose wives have taken them to the cleaners).  He likes HEB and so do I.  He likes to crush things with his hands – I like to break bricks with mine.  He salutes like crazy and I did that too in the Air Force! 

His favorite sport is hockey and I love to yell that word out when listening to the Democratic party promises or people defending their policies!  Again!  It just keeps getting real here.

Last week the monster Texan set a record for 20 sacks per season for two consecutive seasons.  I yawned when I heard that to tell you the truth.  My first year as a bagger in a grocery store in Georgia, I sacked close to 5000 customers in one season alone.  I was working for $5 a day and pennies for tips. I didn’t bother to count the second year how many I sacked.

The humongous defensive lineman loves to rush out of a hole with smoke coming out all around him.  Who doesn’t?  I went through the smokehouse and fought fires at Texas A&M fire field more times than I can remember in my glorious years at the work-20 and often with a great amount of fanfare from my fellow firefighters.  Been there, done that.

And the real kicker to all this is, that he only has something like 9% body fat.  9%!  Geeze Louise, I got that one beat by a long margin.  I’m like 14% or so.  So, my beautiful bride is now set straight, as she should be.  She got herself a ringer in me about 37 years ago and maybe now, when she reads this, she’ll finally see I am everything the big man is and more.


Anonymous said...

Lee Ann Adams: 2 of a kind - for sure !!!

Anonymous said...

Sandi White: You draw some amazing parallels here! I did notice one exception, while he must be coached, your imagination leads your accomplishments.

Anonymous said...

Wade Hickman: Loved it! As usual!

Anonymous said...

Dandy Don Cunningham‎:
Bert, your column in The Baytown Sun last Friday was outstanding! You sure do pretty work, brother!

Anonymous said...

The other donkey is about as much like J.J. Watt as I am like Heisman Trophy winner Mariota. He can throw a football 50 yards and hit a receiver; I can roll a wheel on my mouse and hit the heart of a website every time. I cannot leap vertically 55 inches (neither can J.J.) but I can leap in where angels fear to tread. I can tell our haloed local donkey that he brays too much to be saying so little.

I may have let him pass as much of what he brayed was funny, but when he compared what Democrats advise to ‘hockey’ he did not make any sense since his puck was stuck in his mouth in front of a brain that could not recognize an honest politician if he wore J.J. Watt contacts.

Bray on, Tea Party burro with a big mouth, bray on!

Cyrus B. Fletcher


Anonymous said...

Cyrus Fletcher has an unhealthy hatred of the Tea Party, hardly a letter he posts does not mention said party in negative terms. I wonder if he has any real knowledge of what the Tea Party stands for or strives to achieve. They are strong believers in the Constitution and the founders intent. They are for smaller government and more personal freedom and less taxes. I can only surmise that Fletcher abhors the Constitution, loves big government and is willing to swallow anything the government wants, as long as it is from the Democrats. Fletcher says he is a yellow dog democrat, but I think he is just a hate filled leftist that buys all of their BS.

Anonymous said...

When I saw Mr. Fletcher was talking about braying donkeys, I assumed he was talking about his people. I feel sorry for Mr. Fletcher. He is so twisted with hatefulness, and I fear is becoming less lucid by the day.

Anonymous said...

EM: The only donkey I hear braying is CBF as always. I thought the past election might put a cobb in his mouth for a while but no such luck.

It can only happen while shopping!

As the big man is my witness, every word of this is unquestionable and void of hyperbolic incredibility. With that taken into consid...