It is so hot outside…

 “It's so hot; farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs!”

I looked at the thermometer on my patio, which incidentally is in the shade, and it read 100 degrees. The thought hit me that if I were to light a fire, I might actually cool off.  That’s when I realized I was unbearably hot and not exactly thinking straight.

I love sunshine; I really do. In fact I thrive on it, but can’t we get it without the waffle iron? I remember an old Beetle Bailey cartoon where the colonel paid a visit to the mess hall and asked the cook (Cookie) why he wasn’t in full uniform. Cookie replied that it was too hot to wear all those clothes. The colonel in his wisdom had no choice but to order an investigation into the actual temperature.

The next frame showed the old sergeant cooking in the buff. That’s the way it is here. It is so hot; I can’t seem to get cool when I am outside. We thank the Lawd for air conditioning and curse the de-bil if we lose power. We are slaves to A/C and make no apology.

I’ve witnessed people out walking on the trail system behind my house wearing a plastic suit or a lot of clothing. They are operating in a pre-1980 mentality that they need to sweat to lose weight. Well, here is a PSA (public service announcement). Don’t do this! You will stress your heart to a ridiculous level.

Instead, carry a bottle of water and wear wicking material to allow your skin to breathe and get rid of moisture. When wearing “sweats” all you do is elevate your blood pressure and endanger yourself. You will gain back whatever you lost when you gulp down the water you will ultimately crave.

“It was so hot that corn popped in the field and the mules saw it and thought it was snow. 14 dropped dead from hypothermia!”

Too much heat real or imagined is not good, but I’ll take it over freezing any day.  Two winters in Montana taught me that. Being hot is uncomfortable. Being cold is painful. I went straight from Great Falls, Montana to Southeast Asia in 1972. From freezing weather to tropic heat closer to the equator. One word can describe both extremes: brutal.

It was hot there, but not really any hotter than we are experiencing right now.  It is dangerously hot right now.  Just this week I rode my bike down Blue Heron Parkway and into Jenkins Park to do maintenance on the many geocaches I own there. Even on the bike, I was totally soaked by the time I return 2 hours later. I imagine I lost two pounds of water weight in that 2 hours and I was riding most of the time.

“It is so hot, the local fire hydrant was asking dogs for a visit.”

If you have an inground pool, the sun is sucking an inch of water out of it a day. There is no telling what it is doing to our skin. I imagine it is radiantly cooking us. The good news is we are almost into August and maybe 3 weeks away from when it doesn’t beat down on us so hard. It’s bizarre in that suddenly it won’t feel as oppressive. It’ll be the same sun, but it just won’t have that blow torch scorching feel.

By the time we make it into delightful October, we will experience one of the two times a year that we have wonderfully pleasant weather and that is right around the blessed corner.

“It is so hot; I put crimson charcoal briquettes in my ice tea to chill it down.”

Like it or not, we never get used to it and this question has been raised a million times by travelers visiting the area. That welcoming smell at the airport is indeed mildew – get used to it! I guess the answer to it all if you must venture outside is to hydrate and stay in the shade as much as possible. My sweaty visor cap is off to garbage collectors, roofers, lawn care folks, and the Parks department workers who labor in it all day.

Now, where’s my sweet tea?

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