If you remember, I was in a bit of a pickle last week when I
ran out of paper. If you don't remember my pickle, then you'll just have to
make up your own version and then read on. To recap, I was down on my face at
this giant retail joint on Garth
Road. After having both of my high-top tennie's
ripped off my feet by purple bubble gum, I rapidly re-shoed and faced possibly
the gravest danger of my adventure-filled life.
Here a week later, my ears are still ringing and my right
eye hasn't focused properly, but I can still remember the dark red apparition
of what first appeared to be a red cola machine. I want to inform I read a lot
of science fiction and in my defense it was blazing hot, but every word I write
is real. Apparently there was about to be a showdown over who gets the closest
shopping cart and ignoring the fact that I consider myself a gentleman toward
the fairer sex, I secretly relished the idea of out sprinting the shape
shifting leviathan.
I also forgot the many parables Don Cunningham has taught us,
because I planned to fight dirty (Seriously Dandy, is there really any other way
to put a whooping on someone?). I remember my dear dad's advice that the
shortest distance between 2 points is a straight line as I launched toward the
lone cart. I was rapidly gaining possession when out of nowhere, a full
unopened can of diet soda struck me in the one place no man can tolerate. My wallet. It was as if she tried to turn me
aside, but I was on to her and redoubled my caloric burn by waving my arms and
whooping it up.
She must of had an 18 pack of those danged diet sodas
because they came at me like a Claymore mine explosion. Furthermore, she
somehow managed to out pace me while chucking the dangerous liquid projectiles.
Now I'm no physics student, but I did excel at physical education and I had a
few tricks of my own. Just as we both reached the lone cool-handled cart, I
leapt. One keen-eyed observer later described me as "looking like Evel
Knievel without a scooter" crash landing into a giant red circus elephant.
Years ago I fell backwards out of a deer stand in Hondo, Texas
and landed on solid rock. That is probably very similar to what I felt when I
pile-drove into her massive gut. Have
you ever heard the term midriff bulge? Well, this time I was the bulge and I
was in the battle. The whale of a fighter began to spin like an Olympic
shot-putter and by the 3rd revolution, she grunted like a 400 pound feral hog,
relaxed her navel, and flung me into the stack of boxed Cheerios outside the
store. "Thank the Lord, I'm alive," I yelled and staggered to my feet
only to sit down hard and drool on the cement.
My saving grace was she lost her balance and fell behind the
stacks of bottled water and had her head wedged between the building and the
wooden pallet, leaving her seated part exposed. Now I know a good target when I
see one and even though inside my head it sounded like 16 cicadas were running
a wood chipper, I was going to exact a kilo of flesh as payback AND take the
cart, which I deserve.
Now here is the truth, the hole truth (as I now refer to
it). I squared off and with a kick Morten Andersen would be proud of, I
launched my infamous Punt
Pass and Kick shot at her
corpulence. With over 40 spectators present and all of them standing in the hot
sun, I literally, figuratively, and magically hit a hole in one.
The beluga of a cart-stealing woman let out a bellow that
set off every car alarm in the expansive parking lot and the sprinklers inside
the store. What pandemonium! What cacophony!
What lungs! What and how do I extract my foot? At about this time, some
one must have ran over a sewer main because there was a sudden wind and the
most horrid odor released to the hemisphere. Thankfully I broke free, ears
ringing, clothes charred, and gasping for air, I grabbed the handle of the cart
thinking I had moved to the next level in this drama. Nope. Not to be. There
was one final move by my antagonist that I never suspected.
I sensed the overbearing presence of the massive cart robber
upon me and such was the force behind the push I was shoved to the ground like
a child. Summoning the last of my might, I reached out and grabbed her by the ankle
and pulled. Yes, she got away, but I will never forget the day I pulled her
leg... and yours.
.