Eyes Wide Shut – Why didn’t Someone Tell Me?

I never knew I was considered less than attractive by the opposite sex until yesterday. Maybe it’s because I am happily married and my Bride settled for less; I don’t know. I also don’t know why this bothers me. At my advanced age, does it really matter than I am less attractive than a certain segment of maleness? No one has actually pointed this out to me and maybe that is why I have been blissfully ignorant for so long.

It all started with a new study by the legendary Journal of Evolutionary Biology, which I am fairly sure everyone has read at one time or another. The study came to light when Yahoo News reported it and seeing I am a regular reader of the journal, I instantly took note. As we all know, the Journal of Evolutionary Biology is a bimonthly peer-reviewed scientific journal covering the field of evolutionary biology. It is published by Wiley-Blackwell on behalf of the European Society for Evolutionary Biology. I think it goes without saying it is a real page turner.

I’m also a staunch follower of the European Society for Evolutionary Biology, but I deviate. According to the news release, this is how it is broken down:

Researchers asked more than 8,500 women to rate men on their attractiveness as a long-term romantic partner, Yahoo News reported.

Here’s how the facial hair rated:

    Heavy stubble (10 days)

    Full beards

    Light stubble

    Clean-shaven

“Beards may be more attractive to women when considering long‐term than short‐term relationships as they indicate a male’s ability to successfully compete socially with other males for resources,” the study concluded. Beards, the researchers said, are associated with a man’s age and masculine social dominance.

I have been clean shaven since 1975 and not one friend, or should I say “real friend” has tried to masculine-up me by casually mentioning that I needed to have at least a stubble of some kind. Not one. Now I’m beginning to wonder if I even have friends. With all the old white men bashing going on, I will rapidly become a double target. There is probably no juicier target than an ugly old white man, but then again, I digress.

Friends don’t let friends walk around ugly, especially when the remedy is simply to stop shaving. I mean I did not get one warning or even a single nudge in that direction, so the only scientific conclusion any reasoning person could arrive at struck me like a fully dressed uncooked turkey right up side the head. A beard will not help me. A mustache surely won’t make a difference if the beard is a bust.

I just have to adapt to the fact that I am not an attractive male. It shouldn’t be too difficult as I have been unwittingly unattractive all these years and honestly, what difference has it made? Now, there is a remote possibility of something else. Maybe the results of the study are not all that kosher?  I laughed at that thought. Of course its accurate; its written in the Journal of Evolutionary Biology and backed by the European Society for Evolutionary Biology for goodness sake. I’ll just wear a hoodie and sunglasses when out in public and its all good.