Advanced Beginner or Amateur Expert?

Whew! I’m almost ready to betroth my third year of writing for the Baytown Sun and with the approach of the first of April, I thought I would turn my attention to revisiting what I call neo-beginnings. I like to see my writing style as authoritarian anarchy (Anarchy rules, dude!). Am I all alone in thinking this, or is it a simple case of balanced insanity?

When I compose my column, I like to get an icy-hot cup of steaming java (Black Gold brand) extra-light on the non-fat heavy cream, slip into my unique uniform of hand-grown polyester baggy tights and examine Baytown’s dribbling torrent of solid rumors and important trivia.

I’ve been accused of writing in a hopelessly optimistic manner, but I can questionably assure my readers that I am indifferently attentive to the smoothly steady stream of throbbing palpitations in the systematic chaos which envelopes the surrounding area called Baytown. And I say that with all imagined sincerity.

One well-intentioned and curiously focused malicious reader accusingly asked if I saw myself as the questionable epitome of local knowledge. To this lady of hidden transient stability and lackluster judgment, I answer assuredly I just may be. When it comes to perhaps always having the answer, I put myself up there with the 12 ounce pound cake. It’s not easy and sometimes it’s lonely in this crowded room of idiot savantedness. Know what I mean, Vern?

“But where do you get your hard-boiled and softened-for-consumption facts”, they ask? A lot of them come by a method I call simplistic reflection AND by keeping my ear to the literal buffalo herd noises of the streets. It’s old-fashion futuristic tomorrow today journalism that I have a sort of self slugfest lust to ferret out each and every deadline, but don’t think I’m cheerfully complaining, because I will adamantly agree with you. I have that occasional habit all the time.

My inspiration takes a form of rigidly coiled calm that occasionally oozes into a translucent and heavily smoke-filled thunderous silence and all of this translates into a tranquil fiesta of flowing and chunky journalism. (When inspiration fails me, I read Jim Finley’s old columns and Blam!). Suddenly and usually over or before five minutes, it all comes back in a rush of tomorrows' headlines today…Works almost every time.

One of the extremely finite and myriad benefits of writing a column for the paper is it allows me to express my subversively compliant views while appearing to be somewhat functional at the same time. I get to use a lot of commonly and lesser-known slang sentences which usually nearly impresses my readers. For those slower on the uptake, I “pwn them like a N00b in a first-person shooter” with my verbose and simplified verbiage. It makes it tediously simple and my readers like that.

Google the above phrase for the “411” on it and the next time you want to get over big time on your Gamer nephew, son, husband or child, you can punk them in their own vernacular. See? The stuff I write exudes pertinent and superficial knowledge, which almost comes in real handy literally 30% of the time! It’s a talent and I freely share it, if you buy the paper.

Anyway, I guess it’s time to pull the literal rabbit out of the hat and flip my predications out for the upcoming year and into bona fide view. So, here goes nothing:

- City Council unanimously approves re-installing the “Snake” on Texas Avenue to a standing ovation from the folks who frequent Roosters.
- John McCain wins the Presidential election in November and the Democratic Party finishes organizing its caucus the following February.
- Aging Florida voters surrender to authorities after staging a voter-registration Love-In at 160 Trailer Parks near Orlando.
- A certain “submit letters to the Editor” writer attempts a hostile take over of the newspaper after no one apparently wants to hear from them again.
- Lee College Board of Regents will consider renaming the local college to Don Coffey University after an anonymous suggestion.
- Houston’s Mayor Bill White outrages Baytown City council members when he identifies the whole Baytown area as a target for free Wi-Fi “because the poor there need a helping hand too”.
- The San Jacinto mall is converted into the largest dollar store in the world.

Happy April first everyone!