Like Peas and Carrots

As a good hard-working American citizen, concerned about the future of Texas and our country, I swaggered down to the Polls, virtual spurs dragging in the dust of the Cedar Bayou Jr. School floor, took off my ten-gallon hat and cast my vote for the candidate of my choice. I exhibit no squeamishness or apologies when I say I voted for John McCain. Note to reader: Is this column about the ten thousand virtues of John McCain and am I going to whine, cajole, pressure and try and convince you, the intelligent reader, who to vote for? Nope. I am not. You will have to do your own homework, just like I did.

What I do want to talk about is who would be a good match-up as Vee-Pee for the front-runners and by the time this goes to press, one of the Democrats may be dust blowing in the wind, so please bear with my prophetic suppositions and possibly insightful meanderings. The prospective Vice Presidents have to mate up perfectly with our current candidates to be a winning combination and like the brilliant sage Forrest Gump said, they must be like "peas and carrots".

Let's start with the current object of affection, Barack Obama, the front-running Democratic savior of the American downtrodden universe (it appears to me). I've been watching this fellow from Illinois (pronounced Ill-An-Noy incidentally) for a while and I've come to the conclusion that this is the nicest man I've ever seen in politics; kind of like Jimmy Carter, but without Billy. Mr. Obama is a people pleaser (33rd degree compromiser/diplomat) and needs a running mate who can match his polished delivery and eloquence.

After seven years of Americans listening to George Bush butcher the American-English language, I admit, Mr. Obama has panache. Anyone sharing his platform has to be just as good or he or she'll look stupid, like Dan Quayle, Jessica Simpson or Ernest P. Worrell – know what I mean, Vern?

Mr. Obama needs a running mate who will never ever offend anyone with his flowery speech, but be able to bring home the bacon when the time is right. Like Mr. Obama, they must be able to promise the moon and stars without actually offering advice on how to make it happen. They have to be a feel good people person.

The candidate should be natty in appearance and if possible, have a semi-behaved, but basically quiet trophy wife. If this dapper fellow of prominence has the ability to talk folks out of their hard-earned bucks, so much the better, so without further ado, I've found our candidate: Joel Osteen. He's a perfect match for a Presidential winning combo! Peas and carrots…

Hillary Clinton might as well grab up Oprah Winfrey if she's still available in the unlikely event Mr. Obama gets defeated. The female candidate political taboo rule doesn't apply to Mrs. Clinton for obvious reasons and no I won't go there. Oprah Winfrey is the consummate vote getter, especially the white female vote (If she had endorsed John Edwards, this thing would already be over). She daily hands out instructions on what to do, read and how millions of American white women should think (and there are oodles of them out there in voter land mind you), so Mrs. Clinton would be really missing an opportunity to win, by passing up Oprah and in the event that President Clinton could no longer administer the Oval Office, Ms. Winfrey could take over by simply incorporating the Presidency into her daily show. Peas and carrots…

That leaves us with John McCain and there is only one man who could stand comfortably in the shadow of Mr. McCain with confidence. He's held in awe by all real men and desired by women, feared by our Country's numerous enemies and if there is one man who could swing the youth–student vote away from Barack Obama, it's this man – Chuck Norris!

Chuck is fair, looks like a Texan, honest, kind, thrifty, brave, vigilant, and real handsome and wouldn't hesitate to hammer-fist/triple side-kick a bad guy (or whole country) into submission. Mr. McCain is quite frankly no spring chicken and neither is Mr. Norris, but between the two them, they can still open up a can whoop-you-know-what if the need arises. Besides, John McCain has a notorious bad temper when crossed and Chuck is basically a nice guy and due to his extensive combat training, only beats up people who actually need beating up. Its yin and yang – balance. Peas and carrots…again!

In my search for the ultimate Presidential sidekick, I did deep research on the Internet to see what exactly Mr. Norris is capable of and surprise of all surprises, it turns out he is good at every thing! John McCain and Chuck Norris: our next Presidential team and that my friends, is what they call in the news/food industry - a wrap.