I'll Be With My Family This Christmas

I went to my dentist's office, because something is wrong with my mouth. After a brief examination, the dentist exclaims, "Holy Smoke! That plate I installed in your mouth about six months ago has nearly completely corroded! What on earth have you been eating?"

"Well, my Bride made some asparagus about a week ago with Hollandaise sauce and doc, I'm talkin' DELICIOUS! I've never tasted anything like it, and ever since then I've been putting it on everything... meat, cereal, sausage, boudain... you name it!"

"That's probably it. Hollandaise sauce is made with lemon juice, which is acidic and highly corrosive. It seems as thought I'll have to install a new upper plate, but made out of chrome this time." "Why chrome?" I asked.

"Well, everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"
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While Christmas shopping at the Mall, I came across a long line of people waiting for a promised shipment of dolls from Mattel. As I scanned the line, I noticed my friend and our Mayor, Stephen DonCarlos, waiting with all the others. Knowing that the Mayor had no daughters or young relatives, I figured he must be a Barbie doll collector.
"Mr. Mayor, I didn't know you were a collector!"
"I'm not," he calmly replied.
"Then why are you standing in this long line?"

"Well, I've never been able to resist a Barbie Queue!"
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I have a lot of catching up to do after messing up last Christmas. Last year I was so busy I didn't have time to buy presents for family and friends, so I wrote out checks for all of them to put in their Christmas cards.

In each card I playfully scribbled, "Buy your own danged present!" and then sent them off to the Post Office.

After the Christmas festivities were over, I found the checks under a pile of papers on my desk!

*not a bit of this is totally original, but I am spending time with my family this holiday season, except I'll be at work. Merry Christmas to all!