Monday, March 22, 2010

Colorful Speech is as American as Moon Pies!

I was a sitting in the breakroom at work the other day when I felt a powerful thirst for a good old Nehi belly washer. I jumped to my feet and arms akimbo I unabashedly uttered my thirst-quenching craving.

To my startled realization, I became acutely aware that I was declaring my need for this sweet and deeply Southern libation to an uncharacteristically dumb and ignorant gathering of confused listeners.

Well, let me just say I immediately plopped down in the nearest chair, threw my feet-clad brogans up on the table, and began an oration that would of made Stephen A. Douglas himself proud.

A Nehi belly Washer is a soda pop of some sorts. Read: "A Coke" is not necessarily a Coca Cola. "Y’all want a coke?" "Yes!" "What kind?" Nehi is actually a name brand, but as the question about wanting a Coke isn’t actually brand specific, neither is the word Nehi.

"Boy howdy, tweren’t yesterdee a honest to gawl-dang frog strangler?" "Dang tootin’ it twer! It wast a fer sure goose drownder!" "It rent so hard it filt up the holler!"

This colorful speech easily translates thusly: "It rained very hard yesterday" "Yes it did and it flooded the back of my property". But what fun is that?

Television programming and our standardized government sponsored education system are doing their dangdest to homogenize and mold everyone to speak the same and I say it’s a dad-burned shame. It’s got me plum tored-up on the insides. If I wanted to speak like everyone else, I’d git somebody to carry me smack-dab over yonder where they all talk like that.

"They don’t know diddlee-squat bout what I am or what I want to be and that’s got my nose out of joint. They need to keep their little put-togethers to themselves and kindly leave us shut."

Not too long ago, on our family mailing list I commented that I wouldn’t be posting for the rest of the day because I had "some rat-killing" to do and this caused my first cousin in Toledo, Ohio to question why I had so many rats.

Speaking of rats, I’ve been so busy here in Baytown lately, I’ve felt like a one-eyed cat watching nine rat holes.

By the way, here it is a day into spring and I stepped out of the house to go to work and a Norther was in progress. I’m plumb tard of this airish weather, how bout you?


毅力 said...


Natalie said...

Oh, Bert! You crack me up...not bad on the Southern-speak, considering you're not a native ;) That was FUN to read!

It can only happen while shopping!

As the big man is my witness, every word of this is unquestionable and void of hyperbolic incredibility. With that taken into consid...