Baytown Bert Enters Race for White House

Current Baytown, Texas, Columnist, Webmaster and Blogger “Baytown Bert” Marshall today announced plans to run for the presidency of the United Snakes of America, hoping to carve out a tasty niche in an increasingly crowded field of confused candidates.

The some-time opinioned Philomath, perhaps best known for self-promotion, said he will file papers with the Federal Electoral Redundancy Commission on Monday, which will enable him to legally raise money, but special coffee cups are already going “like hotcakes” on his site.

"People want an authentic candidate who has a proven record of “getting up there and going for it”," he said on IBC's "Meet My Press." "I've concluded that I should take this necessary and vital step to bring a new kind of leadership to the public squares." He added that he has received "strong, powerful support" from friends and family.

Citing his experience as a Blogger, Baytown Bert expressed concerns about overuse of senseless promises and slogans. “Because I Must” and “I Don’t Have the Answer” are two slogans he is pushing as honest and “Dadgumit, folks want to hear the message my slogans convey” he is quoted as repeating.

Baytown Bert said his belief in “finding the middle ground and not giving up an inch to the extremists” extends beyond the normal agenda of his political pundits and believes red-blooded Americans want what he wants, regardless of race, color or creed.

He is Pro on the good social issues and Nay on the bad ones. He’s not afraid to speak out against hidden agendas and will develop his campaign promises right along with all the other candidates regardless of how long it takes. “I’m a fighter (just like Pat Nixon) and I will not recess until we have something on the table!”

His platform promises (most likely) to encompass such matters as education, health care, environmental protection and affordable housing — views that Baytown Bert’s supporters see as potentially giving him broader appeal to the general electorate.

“We’ve got to get these kids out of the house and into the work force, before AARP gets a crack at them!”

“We must find a solution to all of America’s problems and find it is what I will do!”

"Bacon on every plate in America! No one left behind, not on my watch!"

“We must stop humanizing the enemy and let our military have their way with them!”

“I promise to use all the campaign funds generated by my coffee cup sales in such a manner that every supporter will feel gratified!”