I am an uncouth man-oaf!

Being the comfortably masculine man that I am, I find the world of women confusing and frankly, after fifty plus years of observation, they are still a mystery. If I accidentally barge into an elevator with 6 women, it’s like crossing the Sabine River…I’m in a foreign country! I itch in all the wrong places. Gas suddenly starts to build in my guts. I feel a burp coming on. It’s awful.

For some reason, I will feel the need to talk while in this uncomfortable situation, reinforcing my place in manhood and saying stupid and embarrassing stuff women find offensive and course. “It shore is hot tooday, eh”? Burp!

Am I admitting to being a lecher, a masher, a woman predator? Shoot no! I, as a man, can comment on a subject as innocent as the weather (when around a group of women) and somehow (beyond any attempt to the contrary) it comes out as offensive and as something requiring an apology every time.

Just a note here on man-apologies: It takes roughly ten man-apologies to equal one woman-apology. A man-apology goes something like this: I’m sorry I acted like a total jerk. What can I buy you to prove I am sincere? If this apology is accepted, the man will find out in about 3 days and it will cost him about $300, or one hundred dollars per day.

The female version goes like this: “I’m sorry I allowed you to make me mad” or my personal favorite is this one: “Do you want to know what you did, that caused me so much anguish”? This also calls for a $300 “fix” and a 3 day waiting period, minimum.

Most men will commit at least one offensive violation of women-code, while simply standing in a crowded woman-majority elevator. A scratch here, a comment there, here a bump, there a belch…the list of possible violations is endless. It’s confusing to us man-oafs.

On the other hand, I’m perfectly at peace with a group of man-oafs and that includes the liberal use of competitive jibes men espouse. I seemingly cannot really offend men and to be honest, I talk a lot of antagonistic and condescending macho bologna. If a man-code offense is committed, sharing food brings immediate reparation and forgiveness.

After 30 years of marriage to the same woman, I’ve learned to accept that I am a socially coarse and unrefined man. I now realize I have zero female-related social skills and am a constant source of embarrassment to my bride. I’ve decided to simply just avoid women. It’s the easiest solution, since I am doomed to repeat my aberrant behavior.

I live in a world of man-logic and ugly truths. Men for the most part practice a code of behavior that other men understand and in this code, the truth is usually the “in your face” type. Men have trouble tolerating other men who violate this “code” and do not cross this code-line without physical consequences. Men know and honor this “line”.

Here is a man-code example: When entering a public bathroom, men do not violate other men’s space by using the urinal beside another man, unless all other urinals are occupied.

Another example is it is okay to laugh when juvenile humor is exhibited by grown men. It’s funny to us, so we laugh. Bathroom noises are especially worthy of laughter.

Do I inherently dislike women? No, I like women (my mother is a woman). Do I feel that women are equal to men? Yes and they should draw the same pay as men, for the same job. Do I understand how women arrive at the conclusions they routinely draw? Nope, I do not have a clue. Do I understand why women routinely hold men to their woman-code of socially correct behavior? Uh-unh, nada, nope, nine and heck-no!

Do females have a woman-code they live by? As far as I can tell, they do… I think, but I cannot define it, or I could understand it. I am like partially-refined steel who is always trying to return to its rusty state of iron ore. As a visceral male who instinctively resists refinement and cultivation, I find women behavior downright perplexing. Their thought processes might as well be Egyptian hieroglyphs or an unknown tongue to most of us Neanderthal males.

So, if you are a practitioner of woman-code and we happen to pass each other in the grocery store, grant me forgiveness immediately, because I’m just a caveman.